|
|
Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort
The lights had long been turned off and the house had forgotten its life
and warmth. Everyone was asleep, except for a figure that stood alone in
his moonlit room with a haunted look in his deep blue eyes. Rowen admired
the scenery through his big window on this night, his last night. Everyone
was packing up and going home tomorrow, but Rowen knew he couldn't and wouldn't.
No, he could not face that. He couldn't walk into that house again and let
all that came with it flood into his mind.
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
He would never go back. All the plans he had told the guys about were an
elaborate cover-up. The hours that he had spent alphabetically sorting and
categorizing his books and putting them into boxes were a waste. He wasn't
going back to his dad's place. He could get beat up by the Dynasty, but
his days of being abused by someone who was supposed to love him and care
for him were going to end with the night sky and its inhabitants as the
only witnesses. No longer would he wake from nightmare memories in a cold
sweat. His salvation gleamed in the bright moonlight on the night stand.
Do you even care if I die bleeding
It had taken him a long time to get it, the silver barreled gun with it's
one bullet, but tonight it would take him away from his hell on earth. His
scars and horrible memories would be buried in the ground and forgotten.
Sure, it wouldn't solve anything, it wasn't logical, but it was the only
way he could free himself of this.
Would it be wrong would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
His friends and family would miss him, yeah, they would cry and blame themselves,
but there was truly only one of them to blame. His father. Sage would know
why, he would understand. Rowen had spent half of his life at Sage's house,
trying to keep himself safe even if it was just for a few hours. Unlike
everybody else, Sage knew those bruises and cuts weren't from sports or
fights at school, but only Sage. The other guys had seen and lived through
many horrors, but Rowen had never shared his personal nightmare. He wanted
as much of his terror as possible to die with him.
Mutilation out of sight
And I'm contemplating suicide
But there was another that had known. When Talpa absorbed Rowen during the
first battle they fought directly against him, he had probed his mind. The
demon found Rowen's darkest secrets and laughed.
Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
"So this is what you are afraid of Strata! Your own father! He beats
you, doesn't he. He is angry that your whore of a mother left him with you!"
he had laughed as he made Rowen's memories surface and old wounds burn with
old pain. "I am your father now, Rowen of Strata and I too have no
mercy!" he had declared as he made the pain twice as bad.
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
But Talpa was dead, thankfully. The pain however, was still there. The long
white line on his left forearm where his father had cut him the day after
his birthday when he had said that he wished mom could be there.
I never realized I was spread to thin
Till it was too late and I was empty within
Hungry, feeding on chaos and living in sin
Downward spiral, where do I begin
It all started when I lost my mother
"Your mother hates us! She left you and she left me! Don't you run
away! Come back here!" he had shouted as he grabbed the knife.
The permanently sore spot on his right side.
"That'll teach you to keep crying when I tell you not to!" the
pain was unbearable as another rib was broken by an angry fist. They told
the doctor he had fallen down the stairs and the doctor told him to be more
careful. It was the third time they used the excuse.
And the way he would flinch away when people tried to comfort him.
"Rowen? Why are you backing away? It's not like I'm going to hurt you
or anything! I just want to know what's wrong!" Sage had sounded so
concerned. It was just before Rowen told him what had been going on for
most of his life.
No love for myself and no love for another
Searching to find a love upon a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils
The bullet made a satisfying little click as Rowen slid it into the top
most slot of the revolver. He snapped the gun into firing mode and stared
down at it. His battle would be over. He had done everything he needed to
and now he could be free. Talpa was dead. He had worn the armor of Strata
and saved the world. The world wouldn't save him though, so he was going
to save himself. Any where was better than here for him. Heaven and Hell
weren't an issue, it was just an escape.
Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
He gripped the handle and raised his arm. It took more effort than it ever
had to do that simple action. His whole body shook, his mind was blurred,
his thoughts were only on escape, but did it have to be so hard?
I can't go on living this way
"Goodbye, Sage, Ryo, Cye, Kento, Mia, Yuli, Mom, and everyone who ever
cared. Goodbye you child beating bastard of a father. Goodbye Rowen..."
he whispered as the cold metal against his head sent chills up his spine.
His voice was light and shaking. His legs barely supported him. He squeezed
his eyes shut and prepared to end his life in one quick shot. If he did
it right, he wouldn't even feel it. But his hand protested. It shook and
wouldn't let him fire.
Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort,
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
Do you even care if I die bleeding
"It's okay Rowen...he won't do this forever."
"Just think...you'll be big enough to beat him up one day."
"It's okay if you want to cry. You can stay here as long as you like."
Sage's once comforting words held him back.
"No Sage...I can't stay. I have to go. I can't go home to him again.
I could fight the Dynasty, but I can't fight my father. I have to go..."
Would it be wrong would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation out of sight
And I'm contemplating suicide
He tried to convince himself as he stood the trembling with emotion. Fear,
Hatred, Hope, Betrayal, all flowed through Rowen's veins thicker than his
own blood. His mind reeled and he opened his eyes. He dropped the gun...He
couldn't do it...
Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
The gun knocked over the alarm clock, which then started its extra loud
beep. Lights flicked on at the sound. His plan for a quiet retreat were
ruined. Rowen collapsed to his knees in tears. The door opened, letting
the soft light in as well as Sage. He started to run to his friend and saw
the gun. Rowen knew he had that famous 'Oh my God!' expression on his face,
but Sage still said nothing. He quickly turned off the alarm and went to
his friend's side.
Rowen was to distressed to turn away from the comforting hand. He cried
for a long time, what seemed like hours. Sage said nothing, waiting for
Rowen to calm down before he asked about the gun, but he had already guessed.
"I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I-I just can't go home..." Rowen finally
sobbed.
Sage sat in front of him, his hand steadying the shaky Rowen's shoulder.
"It's all right...You don't have to go home. No one has to go home.
We're all going to stay right here. I know...I know...It's okay..."
-White Blaze Wannabe-