You Wish! Productions presents...

What Do You Think of Me?

By: Blue Taboo

So you want more, eh? Spiffy! More angst here, since we all know that Shinji is not a happy child. Hehe...I get to make a speech in English about Eva! It's gonna be great! My entire class is going to think I'm a freak! Anyway...on with the fic!

Drive by Incubus for Shinji on Shinji (I love this song!!! I've gotta learn how to play it on my guitar...when I get it that is...)

Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear.
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let fear take the wheel and steer.

Most people would call me a coward and I deserve it. Whenever I get into a situation where I have to take charge or something frightening comes about, I break into a cold sweat. I just want to be part of the background, maybe even invisible. There I'd be safe. Safe from pain. Safe from rejection. Safe from hate. But my father, the man who taught me what it was like to feel all those things, puts me into these circumstances. At times when I'm more positive, I'd like to think that he does it to help me, but I know he's just using me. I'm the only one that can pilot Unit 01 anyway...

It's driven me before,
And it seems to have a vague,
Haunting mass appeal.

They say that everybody gets scared sometimes, but I certainly hope that no one is as bad as I am. I know that I can't run away and I push myself harder and harder with each day to face my fear, but sometimes, I can't help but recall the deep pit that my heart fell into on the day my father left me, right after mother died. I'm facing up to him as well as I can, but every time I look at him, cool and aloof behind those dark glasses, I can't but to feel cold inside. Everyone fears that man, because nobody knows him. I don't even know him, and I'm his son.

But lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel.

Misato keeps pushing me onward, hoping that I won't be such a coward anymore, and I can't say that her influence is totally wasted. I don't feel such a blinding fear when I step into my entry plug as I did the first couple times. The Angels still scare me, though. They scare me almost as much as hatred, mainly because they hate us. I just want to know why! I've asked Asuka, but she didn't help me at all. Her logic did nothing to soothe my craving for a motive, an emotional reason. Is God sending these Angels, or is it someone, maybe something else? So many questions go unanswered, mostly because I'm afraid to ask. I don't want to sound like more of a naive child than I already am. Besides, if I keep myself in the dark, then what I don't know can't hurt me. The Angels...the Angels are my pain, though. Life wasn't as painful before them, just the memories.

Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there,
With open arms,
And open eyes.

But life goes on. I struggle to survive and I keep on fighting, but I don't know why. It's like piloting Eva, I have no real reason. Will I just go back to live with my old sensei when this is over? Maybe Misato will let me stay in her place until I go to college? Do I even want to stay in Tokyo-3? I don't know...I don't know! And yet I still live on. I eat and sleep and take care of myself and see the sunrise of the next day.

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive,
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?

What will I do when I'm old enough to be on my own? Sure...I'm usually alone anyway, but I've never really have to depend totally on myself. Usually, there's someone there to keep me on the road of my unfufilling life if I start to veer from it. I'm a loner, but can I really function alone? What are these people, other people to me? They are part of me, and I'm part of them. I exist in their minds and they exist in mine, so in a way, interacting with them is a way to prove that I exist. It's not unlike how Asuka described why she pilots Unit 02...

It's driven me before,
And it seems to be the way everyone else gets around,
But lately I'm beginning to find that when I drive,
My light is found.

Even Ritsuko wonders why my Eva goes berserk, but I think I know. I'm to afraid to tell anyone...to afraid to tell them it's my fear. I thought I was going to die in that first battle, barely knowing how to even move the thing, let alone fight a gigantic intelligent creature with powers that we can't even begin to understand. The pain was so bad and I was so terrified. The world started to fade and slip away and then the next thing I knew, I woke up to that now frighteningly familiar ceiling. It took me a while, but I remembered what happened. I just lost it. Instincts took over and survival became the objective. In a gory display that could make even the most seasoned soldier become sick, in a fury of fear I used that robots hands to rip apart the creature that had come to seek my demise. Only with that extreme trepidation could I have walked out of that alive...

So whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there,
With open arms,
And open eyes. Yeah.

Every fight after that, the fear fueled me, and now I notice it less and less. At times, my comfort level is so great that I let my guard down. I must be adapting. My brain has finally registered that I can't escape from Eva. I learned my lesson though, with the 12th. The fear seemed to have forgot me that day and I was cocky. I didn't remember to be afraid, to recognize that this thing in the sky was a threat to my life and the lives of everyone in the world. However, when it turned out that the creature in the sky wasn't the threat, but that the shadow underneath was, the fear didn't abandon me. I was so close to death, cold, lonely death. I felt my mother's hand's on my face, trying to bring me to the afterlife and all I could think of was the other people. I wanted to exist! I wanted them to prove my existence! Just one more time!

Would you kill the Queen to crush the hive?
Would you choose water over wine...
Hold the wheel and drive?

As much as this is a way of proving my existence, I want it to end. Misato once said that she didn't want me piloting the Eva if it only meant pain to me, and I believe that she thinks that I go over that, but it still does mean pain. It's not the Eva's fault though. The only way it can work is for me to feel what it feels. It's the Angels that cause the pain. When will they go away? When will it all stop? Why won't they just leave me alone?! WHY WON'T THEY JUST LET ME EXIST IN PEACE?!

That was freaky...oh well...hope you enjoyed it! Next up is Rei on Rei to the tune of Somebody Else's Song by Lifehouse.

-Blue Taboo-

Started- September 27th, 2001
Finished- September 27th, 2001
Modified- October 5th, 2001
Posted on Fanfiction.net- October 5th, 2001