What If?- A nifty little EVA humor series that will probably have so many warnings tacked onto it by the time it's finished that it won't be suitable for anyone! Enjoy...while you can...For now, Rei fans may be offended.

By: White Blaze Wannabe

What if Rei was just on drugs the whole time?- If I actually need to say this...Rei fans beware...

Shinji, Asuka, and Rei were all sitting in their dummy plugs, taking their daily synch tests when something quite peculiar happened. Rei started laughing, for no apparent reason what so ever!

Shinji remained quiet, but arched an eyebrow in question.

Asuka, however, as always, wasn't silent. "What the hell's so funny, Wondergirl?"

Rei gasped in her LCL for a while then started to snicker again. "The...sh-sheep..."

In the control room, everyone mirrored Shinji's reaction, even Ms. Serious About Her Work Ritsuko, which made it a pretty funny sight for Kaji, who walked in just after Rei mentioned sheep.

"What's going on?" he asked with an amused grin.

"Rei is having a very odd...actually...I don't know..." Dr. Akagi admitted.

"THE PURPLE SHEEP! HAHA!" the aforementioned Eva pilot snorted.

"Oh my..." Kaji exclaimed as he too took on the telltale look of confusion.

Misato shook herself out of the little state of shock she had gone into and picked up the phone. "I'm going to get Commander Ikari down here...Maybe he can explain what's going on..."

"And cows too! GREEN COWS! HEHE!"

Misato cringed and quickly dialed up to Gendo's office. "Commander Ikari sir...Yes sir...Um...well, Rei is acting quite strange...No Sir...Yes, you better come down."

"All of her readings are normal, except her synch ratio is dropping, but that's kind of expected, I guess," Maya reported.

Ritsuko nodded, still looking quite confused, but then realized that the other two pilots were laughing along with Ayanami. "Hey you two! Get back to meditating! Unless you've gone crazy too..."

Asuka let out one last giggle and then whispered something over her com to Shinji. "I swear she's high or something..."

This only made Shinji laugh harder, but that was quickly stopped by a quick command from Ritsuko, who was now over the shock and beginning to get frustrated.

Then Gendo waltzed in, only to be greeted by Rei shouting, "Can't forget the chickens! THEY LOOK LIKE SHINJI! MWHAHA!"

It took Shinji a moment to figure out the significance of his comrade's ravings, but just as he was about to get up the courage to defend himself, something even stranger happened. Commander Gendo Ikari started laughing along with Rei.

Well, this was just too much for everyone except Ritsuko, the Commander, and the Children, so they either ran screaming from the control room, or fell over in a dead faint.

Shinji sniffled, because he thought his dad was laughing at him, and even if that was nothing new, he was actually laughing.

Asuka was getting kind of pissed off and was about to yell at the two bawling individuals to shut up, but Gendo finally got a hold of himself and turned to Ritsuko.

"It's just as I predicted..." he stated in his cool, almost monotone voice as if nothing happened.

"What do you mean?" Ritsuko inquired as she subconsciously backed away.

"Do you remember when I told you that there was no need to give Rei a blood test? Well, I suspected that she was...on drugs...but I didn't want that to eliminate her from the pilot roster. It appear she switched from downers to uppers...or hallucinogens..." Gendo said as he watched Rei chuckled in her dummy plug.

"Wait! There's a red cow! IT'S TELLING THE CHICKEN HOW STUPID IT IS! BREWHAHA! IT LOOKS LIKE ASUKA!"

Asuka blinked. "She actually said my first name! WAIT! I'm not cow! If I weren't in this damn plug I'd kick your ass, Wondergirl!"

Kaji then appeared again, and it seemed that he was relatively okay after that whole Gendo laughing incident. "Those are definitely hallucinogens...maybe acid..." then he noticed his two superiors staring at him and he grinned as innocently as he could and ran.

Commander Ikari coughed. "Why don't we just tell them that there was an Angel attack and they all imagined this and I'll get Rei some help," he proposed.

Ritsuko, Asuka, and Shinji nodded furiously, but Ritsuko stopped early.
"Wait a minute...the clones...the-- Aw screw it. This is the best explanation we're going to get..." she concluded, then passed out along with Shinji and Asuka, who just couldn't take the shock anymore.

"I WUV YOU COMMANDER!!!" Rei shouted from her plug.

"That's nice..." he chuckled, "But we're going to get you back on your old drugs again..."

To be continued...
And now all Rei fans hate me! WHEE!

Omake:

She was surrounded by strange people, most of them dirty and twitching. Then the middle-aged man who appeared to be in charge pointed to her and she stood up and walked to the head of the room.

"My name is Rei Ayanami. I am a drug addict," she announced as the others before her had.

"Hi Rei!" her fellow druggies chorused.

And now...I shall give proof of my theory...Recognize this?

Look closer...

<--What could be in those???

-White Blaze Wannabe >^.^<-
glynnisl@yahoo.com or wbwannabe@hotmail.com
Read more of my fics at http://www.envy.nu/wbw/entry.html